Every now and then

Kissed goodbye on her forehead as she cuddled in mommy's arms. In those last moments how badly i wish I could stay back and have her to myself. Time and again I end up being left out and I keep longing for her. A feeling I have had since the time she was born. A feeling I will live to die with.

Date: 22nd April 2014, Time:3:30pm
Sitting on the stairway leading to the Labour room, I sat all alone with anxious thoughts of what to expect in the next one hour.
Was it fear, was it plain anxiety, was it the emotional connect to fatherhood ... I couldn't distinguish. I had tears in my eyes.

As I counted seconds and minutes to the final moment, happened to overhear conversations of other expecting fathers, relatives seated alongside. Chatter on who would the baby resemble, what to buy as sweets, how to celebrate the moment, though sounded nice, it kept bothering me. Why couldn't I think or feel the happiness? Why couldn't I dream of the better tomorrows to come ? Was I not expecting this? Was I not prepared? I don't know. Yet, tears rolled down. I gasped for breath, wiped my tears and kept praying and believing that whatever happens, I will fight it out to hold her in my arms.

The door opened. A nurse called out the name of a woman(in labour) and mentioned to her relatives that a baby boy was born. Smiles, laughter, wishes were exchanged. Everyone had their moment of joy. I tried to sink in to the similar feeling on what I would do soon. Yet, the fear pricked as sweat rolled down my back.
I felt guilty. All along it kept making me ask myself- Did my ways and means bring about this? Was someone really unhappy with me that my baby was put through this? The thought made several rounds with me though I tried to blink it away. My prayers turned to tearful pleadings to the omnipresent to forgive all harm done to any and let me have my baby.

5:20pm, door opens and an angel in white with a halo around her(the nurse) walks out calling out if my better half had anyone to attend to her. Yes ! Here I am standing dead in front. She said those golden words :" You have a baby girl ".
My heart skipped a beat...this is what I waited for.
" Can I see her?" , impatiently I asked.
"She has been shifted to the neonatal ICU upstairs", replied the nurse. I ran upstairs not waiting to listen what my folks had to say. As I waited impatiently outside NICU, my dad hugs me saying " Don't worry, everything is fine". From a father to another who barely realised the feeling 5mins ago, it was a statement that made a world of change. He made me feel at PEACE. A feeling that only a son can have with his father. A doting father who has stood ground through thick and thin, made me what I am. He knew how it was, cos he hath seen it all.
Moments of impatience grew on me as I kept staring at the NICU logo as if I went into coma. Then a call comes from inside-"Only 2people are allowed to see the baby". My Mom pushed herself through and caught my hand and said,"We would like to see the baby".
We were taught the rules and that we could spend only 2mins inside with the baby. I felt the only thing left to do was take an oath and swear to God that we mean no harm. I was eagerly waiting to catch a glimpse and nothing more. We were asked to remove footwear and wear outer green gowns and was escorted through the narrow corridor. As I walked past the dim lit passage, I could see cradles on either side with each room labelled basis severity and sensitive attention required for each baby. Nurse mentioned, as the baby progresses in growth and stability, she would be moved across these rooms. I glanced through the glass to see creations of God, bundles of joy lying silent sleeping in their world awaiting to see how cruel the world is outside. Meanwhile I was making wild guesses that one of these god-gifts would be mine. At the end of the corridor was a small room. We were asked to stay outside while the nurse went in. Through the door I could see beds wired with monitors, tubes, drip bags, and many an instrument cluttering the place. My mom impatiently asked the nurse "Can we now see her?".
The nurse opened the door and guided us in. We stopped at the first cradle, thinking that was our baby. Nurse took us to the next and mentioned " Baby of Divya Lakshmi".

It was the same bed I had noticed wired with monitors, tubes and drip bags. My heart sank at the sight. There she lay with her back to us leaning forward on her knees(just like how she was in the womb). She had tubes in her vein and nose, electrodes plastered over her body, and barely a breathing bag of skin and skeleton.
Tears filled...You are the dad, the man...hold it back! Calm yourself...I kept telling myself. I could barely speak. Amma asked, "Is she fine?".
The nurse explained she that she is stable and since born premature, her organs are under developed. She lost weight inside the womb, and by birth she was barely 1.4kgs. Why did it happen, what is to be blamed is all a mystery. My tiny creation measuring way below normal specifics slept over wires and tube to be monitored closely for the next 24-48hrs to see how well she responds. The nurse was courteous enough as a medical guide. She went on to mention that parents would have daily counseling on the baby's progress and could get report related details from the doctor. 
Her tiny frame never left me. It lingered on through the night. All the more, I was worried how Divya would take it. She has not seen the baby till now. For the next 48hrs she might not see her.
I took quick strides to see the doctor who calmly explained the situation and mentioned " Patience is the key ". I tried listening in closely, questioning like a school kid in class, keen to know what chances do we have here. I didnt want to know if there were similar sufferings as my girl.. i didnt want to feel good cos some else had a worse day in labour.. all I wanted to know was - what are my chances? When can I have her to myself?

Hours clocked.. I calmed myself down... Days passed, I kept speaking to Divya to muster courage and have the heart to bring up our girl well, however hard it is on us.. Weeks passed nurturing the delicate plant... Months passed with us patiently seeing her progress. Sleepless nights, painful suctions for milk, constant doc consultations were all just life routines now. From sagged eye bags, pale loose skin, few strands of hair, and jutting out collar bones, she grew up to be more beautiful than ever. For all the days I used to travel down to see her growth..it was a phenomenal strength we built thanks to our parents to tide through all the rough seas. 

Still today, I look at her with fascination adoring how she evolved and brought herself up, I look at her with possessiveness that none would love her more than I do and I would live & die only for her, I look at her and think "am I still alive just for all this".. 

I slap myself looking in the mirror every now and then and ask - Am I good father... Is she a good mother... 

Every now and then it makes us think... Is this just enough or are we to do something more. Will she ever say that she's proud to be our daughter...
As I look at her innocent face I see myself. She's stubborn yet flexible, she has her ways to things, has her mood swings and choices, she is a bit reserve yet friendly, loves being around with people(yet loves being with us), makes her mom go crazy and knows how to irritate her, loves her grandparents (which I missed at my age)..loves gorging on good fud and sleeps well(though late). As a package... she is just us looking in the mirror... 

By now I realize, this is first of those many flights in years that I have not slept. I could go on.. 

Her memories are always cherished and keeps me awake any time of the day. Etched in my heart she will always remain... 

For, every now and then YOU remind us...
We are ALIVE because of you and just for you !

Love you my daughter !